Boundaries

"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted."
     —Mae West

Boundaries are needed to create a safe relationship, for they define where your life stops and where another life starts.  Without boundaries, it is easy for one to feel trampled and disrespected.  No one can define your boundaries for you but you.  What makes you feel safe, loved, protected, cared for, or violated?  The saying “familiarity breeds contempt” can be quite true with marriage, and we often find couples carelessly violating boundaries because of the familiarity and lack of respect for boundaries.  There are a variety of boundaries needed in various areas of a relationship: social, spiritual, conflict, sexual, work, and more.  In all these areas, it is our responsibility to let our partner know what helps us to feel secure and loved.  It is common for partners to take offense with the partner setting the boundary, as if they are “bossing them around” or “telling them what to do”, but in reality, they are being responsible to represent and advocate for themselves.  True love means respecting and regarding carefully the boundaries of another.  Fear causes us to manipulate, bully, shame, or withhold in order to get what we want.  Love demands we respect each other’s boundaries as we speak the truth respectfully to our partner.

TIPS FOR CREATING BOUNDARIES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP:

• Controlling people disregard boundaries and resent boundaries being given to them. They find ways to invalidate you and cross your boundaries.
• Anger often lets you know that your boundaries have been crossed. Think about what angers you about your partner, and identify the boundary that is being crossed that causes you to feel insecure or unsupported. (For instance: woman feels angry because she is interrupted often when she is speaking.  Boundary: Please stop interrupting me.)
• If you cannot manage your personal boundaries, it makes it difficult to develop relational boundaries.
• Saying, “Stop it” or “no” lets your partner know what you will or won’t accept.
• When boundaries are regularly disrespected, consequences are needed to reinforce boundaries, which may be time-outs, apologies, cards, gifts, etc…