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Perfect Love

"Perfect love casts out all fear. There is the great lesson of 'Beauty and the Beast,' that a thing must be loved before it is lovable."
     —G.K. Chesterton

True love is one our greatest desires. Yet, our greatest villain to love is fear. When we are so busy being afraid, we are put into survival mode, and we operate from the back part of the brain, making this the greatest deterrent to loving. Our energies go into surviving instead of loving which requires the frontal lobe of our brain. This makes it impossible for our love to grow towards yourself or others when fear is dominating so much of your neurological and physical energy. We learned this early on in our marriage when it came to sharing a plate of food…..

When we would go out to eat, we often split a meal, sharing off of one plate. Jenn, being relational and verbal, saw this as an opportunity to connect with Jake by sharing about her day, thoughts, dreams etc…. Jake, being the task and observant person he is, saw this as an important time to refuel, satisfy his hunger, and took the task of eating very seriously. In his earnestness to feed himself, relate to Jenn, and be thorough, he would eat quickly and efficiently thus losing track of how much he ate. To Jake’s shock and surprise, Jenn bent on relating would find herself without much food. Jenn noticed she started to feel anxious about sharing a meal with Jake since as he would unknowingly eat her portions. Jake also would feel anxious about sharing fairly with Jenn and related less.  Unknowingly, the energy subtly shifted from casually enjoying and loving each other to making sure the meal was shared fairly.

When we feel afraid about getting our basic needs met or fear of hurting someone else, it is difficult to make time or have the brain power for us to love one another. Fear makes it difficult to love biologically, emotionally, or neurologically. Our body goes into survival mode.  When we feel love from and for one another, we move to the frontal lobe of the brain where we are able to feel, laugh, love, have empathy, create, share, and encourage one another. It is our job to lovingly communicate our needs and not behave as a victim who communicates out of fear, blame and accusations. This enables us to better give and receive love and not trigger fear in others. Oh and when we go out, we still share one meal… Just now we use two plates.



  • Practice making regular eye contact while talking, fighting or just being together; attachment theorists refer to this as being a soothing way to attach, soothe yourself and your partner, and stimulate a loving connection.
  • Hugging and holding are proven to increase the bonding hormone, Oxytocin, and keep a couple out of the survival mode where the hormone Adrenaline is predominant.
  • Give affirming statements to your partner regularly; it is impossible to think two things at once so when you affirming you are loving verses fearing.
  • Send requests instead of complaints and accusations when your needs are going unmet. Criticism will raise the defenses of your partner thus triggering fearful vs. loving responses from your partner.
"God, you are the author and creator of love. May my fears be calmed and revealed and may I choose the most powerful antidote to fear, love. May I live in love."

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