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Pure Affection

"Beware a kiss, he told her. Kisses are powerful things. You expose part of your soul"
     —Ruth Frances Long, The Treachery of Beautiful Things

Bonding with your partner requires human contact and affection.  It is not uncommon for the affection to leave the marriage for several reasons…“familiarity breeds contempt” and affection becomes a thing of the past as it is dubbed “early lover behavior”.  We become too busy to make time for affection, and the hurt, anger and resentment with each other kills any desire to be affectionate and we avoid one another.  When a couple is avoiding affection it is common for the wife to be avoiding it for fear she has to preform sexually with her partner.  A hug evolves quickly into groping, and a kiss evolves speedily into disrobing.  Holding one another becomes a signal for foreplay with sexual play to quickly follow.  Since a woman typically needs around 45 min. of foreplay and 10 non-sexual touches before she desires physical intimacy, the familiarity of the relationship tragically kills affection and then sex. When “affection” comes with an agenda or expectations of more to quickly follow, that’s considered foreplay and affection is not present.  Women subconsciously often avoid any affection or intimacy because they are unaware of what they are needing to be intimate.  Men become frustrated with the lack of affection and sex, so pursue sexuality instead of affection with their partner.  This creates a cycle of fear as affection is withheld by the woman for fear she has to preform sexually before she is physically and emotionally ready, and frustration by the man as he feels the physical connection slip away.  Affection is replaced by fear and avoidance, verses love and connection.  Differences aside, we all need affection and often when the affection leaves the marriage, so does the fulfillment of physical intimacy.  Practice pure affection- touches, hugs, kisses, and holding that carry no expectations or a private agenda for more intimacy…but rather the significance and gratitude of what your partner means to you.


  • Experts say we need 10 hugs per day to feel loved.
  • Practice pure affection daily by greetings and goodbyes each day. What’s your ritual with your partner? Kiss or hug goodbye? Make sure it’s pure affection.
  • Holding each other 15 min. per day without sexual activity is a fun and easy way to reintroduce affection in the marriage.
  • Affirmation and compliments expressed with pure affection is a beautiful combination for expressing appreciation of your partner and reinforcing pure affection in your relationship.
"God, May we consider the importance of affection in our relationship, and if it is lost, give us the ability to courageously pursue pure affection. If it is undiscovered, give us the desire and courage to pursue it boldly in our relationship."

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