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Soul-mates: Developed not Discovered

"At the center of every fairytale lay a truth that gave the story its power."
     —Susan Wiggs, 'The You I Never Knew'

A mythical question often surfaces with disgruntled couples, “Did I marry my soul-mate?” Unquestionably, we can have a more compatible partner, but despite the compatibility or lack thereof, understand that soul-mates are developed, not discovered.

It takes approximately 20 years to develop a soul-mate. Like a baby being birthed, the relationship must go through a variety of curves, hills, and valleys before soul-mate status becomes within reach. Yet, we see entertainment and society promoting the importance of discovering your soul mate. The greater question that needs to be asked is, “Does my partner desire to be a soul mate with me?” Soul mates are virtually impossible to develop when one partner has a greater desire to rule or control verses collaborate or submit to the goal of the greater good of developing into soul-mates.

The TV show “The Bachelor” depicts a man attempting to choose his wife among a variety of beautiful women and must whittle down the group until he comes to his one, true love. The Bachelor often selects women because she is “sexy”, “honest”, “intelligent” “fun”, or a “good connection”, but he can’t possibly know who the woman is in such a short amount of time, especially under such unrealistic circumstances of cameras and exotic adventures! For once, we would love to hear the Bachelor say he selected her because “she has soul-mate potential”.

When the unlucky women who were not chosen are interviewed, you often hear them express with shaky voices how afraid they are that they won’t find their soul-mate. Like an oyster that starts with a grain of sand and turns it into a pearl over time, so our partnerships need to be. Soul-mates are not a treasure to be discovered but a treasure to be developed.


  • Assess if this is the common goal of both partners
  • Have a vision or goals bigger than your partnership of why you NEED to stay partnering
  • Identify and eliminate unsafe behavior and use a therapist if necessary; safe behavior is essential to developing a soul-mate
  • Define what a soul-mate is to each of you
  • Forgive the past and press on towards the shared goal of developing soul-mate status
"Thank you for the partner you have provided me with and the soul-mate you are developing in both of us. May the soul-mate increase in our partnership with each passing day and show us what is keeping us from experiencing soul-mate status."

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